I refuse to be told what I can and can’t do; I will make my own path I refuse to sit still while others suffer; I will suffer with them I refuse to let my words speak louder than my actions; I will let my actions speak loud and clear I refuse to get stuck; I will keep pushing forward I refuse to believe the lie that I am what I own; I am who I am I refuse to wait for someone else to do it; I am going to do it. I refuse to keep waiting for something to happen; I am going to go make it happen I refuse to say an empty prayer; I will believe that there is power in my words I refuse to to stay cold; I will let the broken break my heart I refuse to love only the lovable; I will love like Jesus I refuse to live a boring life; I will seek adventure at every turn I refuse to take the safe path; I will take risks I refuse to walk away from the Word unchanged; I will let it change my life I refuse to buy into trends or fads; I will act based out of conviction and purpose I refuse to quench my passion; I will use it to change the world I refuse to live an easy life; I will take on the challenges as they come I refuse to shop on the backs of slaves; I will be conscious of my purchases I refuse to buy into the mold of what society thinks I should be; I will be different.
I will never harm you. Open your heart, I have loved you from the start.
(Song for You by Jenny and Tyler)
Those words hit me today. I was listening to the song they came from and that line is repeated ten times. I think the songwriters knew I needed to hear that. Lately, I have sorta felt like life is falling apart and I don’t know which way is up. As I try to muddle through big decisions with little information, I am coming to the realization that the core of my struggle is an inability to trust. I don’t trust God or myself. I don’t trust that God has the right or perfect plan and I don’t trust that even if He does, I am adequate enough for that plan. I know that the passions and gifts I have are unique. I mean how many people find organizing a classroom enjoyable. Or get an adrenaline rush out of planning a trip, a lesson, or anything really. And the compassion He has placed in my heart is a gift as well. I am willing to get my hands “dirty” if thats what it takes to reach people. I love to love and give. Not that I am unique in that..but I know God has given me all these things for a reason.
Yet..I still struggle. I struggle because I can’t see the plan. I can’t see how these passions fit into a bigger purpose. I can’t figure out what decision to make. I can’t figure out how to let go and let God in. To trust Him once and for all. To trust that He has loved me from the start. Although I am adventurous in a lot of areas, the future is one where I lack the ability to take a risk. I want a clear-cut, no messing around, full-proof plan that is laid out with steps 1-10 and if those don’t work, then plan B will be there to quickly pick up where plan A left off. But I feel like lately, God is asking me to take a risk. To not know all the details, but to trust in Him. That gives me a heart attack. But I know that is what in reality needs to happen.
You know me so well | each and every part | so much better than i know myself | every layer of my heart | but it’s different with the world | i won’t let anyone come in | can’t let them know about my sin
‘cause what will the think of me | when they finally see | this little girl they know | doesn’t let her bruises show | what will the think of me | when they finally see | this little girl they know | doesn’t let her bruises show |what will they think of me
the pastor speaks | and i hang my head | so low i hope that | they will look at him instead | that man who left his wife and kids | so many years ago | no longer putting on a show | he’s let the congregation know
and who am i to think that i’m more righteous than the rest | that i might stand a little straighter when You put me to the test | i’m lying when i tell myself i have to be the best | that’s not what they expect
it’s not what they think | it’s how You think of me is
A beautiful love song written from God to us by one of my new favorite bands.. Connersvine.
It seems Your fixed forever In a world so close to here though I see you running from me The more you run the more your near Cause I was there in the beginning And I will be there in the end With a heart that’s beating for you And a love that wants to mend
Can you feel my love arising falling down from up above Can you see my heart’s horizon Can you feel my hunger love When the world has left you lonely and you’ve finally had enough you’ll know my feet are running running for my hunger love
Let me show you perfect passion Let me take you far away From a life without direction Where you’ve played it safe Welcome to the days of danger Risk and security Where love will change your nature If you will just believe
Can you feel my love Can you taste my love Feel My love Taste My love
So I am a crazy David Crowder fan! He is one of my all time favorite artists. Perhaps because I love to sing his songs on the top of my lungs when no one is around! 🙂 but anyways.. my current favorite song is You are my Joy. It’s a very simply song proclaiming that You (God) is my joy. Joy is a different emotion. We often equate it with happiness, but I think that is a poor definition of joy. One definition of Webster that I like is “a source or cause of delight.” So another way of singing You are my Joy would be to say You are my cause of delight! Even when the world is crashing down around me, I can have joy. I may not be happy, in fact I may be any of a million different emotions and none of them happy, but I can be joyful. I can have joy because I am finding my joy-my source of delight-in the Creator of the universe! It is found in the Son of God who died on the cross for me. And who in times of despair or happiness has provided a way for me to experience joy. And lately, joy has been rising from my soul! As the Psalmist says in Psalm 43:4, I will praise my God with Joy!! I am over half-way in my support raising efforts for Africa which is a huge reason to celebrate! But above that, my team has become a second family and I haven’t even met them yet. They are my prayer warriors, friends, confidantes, and sources of laughter and joy. I cannot wait to meet them. God has truly blessed my life and I can say with confidence in the good and the bad- YOU ARE MY JOY!!
If you haven’t heard the song, a link to listen is below! It’s amazing!
How can I keep from singing your praise How can I ever say enough how amazing is your love How can I keep from shouting your name I know I am loved by the King And it makes my heart want to sing
I was singing at church the other night, and one of my friends told me later that I have a beautiful voice. I laughed it off cuz singing is not my cup of tea. God didn’t bless me with a beautiful voice..or so I think. But I am sitting here thinking about how much I want to sing! But not just to sing, I want to sing to God. I want to thank Him for this week..for the people in my life..regardless of whether I like them or not–each of them shapes me into more the woman of God He wants me to be. I am tired of being unhappy and not having joy. I am letting trivial things rob me of the true joy I could be experiencing and I am done. No one is going to take it from me. I am done letting drama, and gossip, and stress, and school, and boys take it away. No more! Yes, way easier said then done:) in fact, I am sure it will be a daily struggle, but it is one I am ready to attact full force!! So watch out!:)
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark Got a memory of you I carry in my soul I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold If you asked me how I’m doin’ I’d say just fine But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you After all this time you’re still with me it’s true Somehow you remain locked so deep insideBaby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night Thinkin’ you might call me if your dreams don’t turn out right And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark Wishin’ you were next to me, with your head against my heart If you asked me how I’m doing I’d say just fine But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you After all this time you’re still with me it’s true Somehow you remain locked so deep inside Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days Seems it’s been forever that I’ve felt this way Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you After all this time you’re still with me it’s true Somehow you remain locked so deep inside Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
You have my heart And I am yours forever You are my strength God of grace and power
Everything you hold in your hand Still you make time for me I can’t understand
Praise you God of earth and sky How beautiful is Your unfailing love And You never change God you remain The holy of my unfailing love
This is my favorite song right now..I was listening to it tonight as I was sitting here almost in tears and I realized that no matter how much I think life is spinning out of control and how down I get-I have a God who loves me unfailingly..I think I just made up that word:) No matter what happens during the day..I have a safe haven and a place to go. I think the line that esp. stood out was “Still you make time for me”. I haven’t able to get ahold of my mom lately cuz she has been working so much and it really got to me today. I was really upset..not because I had something specific to tell her..but more because I just missed her. and while she doesn’t have all the time in the world for me..God does. No matter when-He will drop everything to listen to me! How awesome is that!! I also have to say that I have realized how blessed I am and how much I wish everyone else would realize how amazing God is! I love Him so much..and I can’t imagine life without that. I miss writing in this..life is insanely busy!! I am so thankful for God’s strength..that is seriously the only thing that is going to get my through this semester.
But I have a chemistry assignment to finish and turn in so I will write again later.