I will never harm you. Open your heart, I have loved you from the start.
(Song for You by Jenny and Tyler)
Those words hit me today. I was listening to the song they came from and that line is repeated ten times. I think the songwriters knew I needed to hear that. Lately, I have sorta felt like life is falling apart and I don’t know which way is up. As I try to muddle through big decisions with little information, I am coming to the realization that the core of my struggle is an inability to trust. I don’t trust God or myself. I don’t trust that God has the right or perfect plan and I don’t trust that even if He does, I am adequate enough for that plan. I know that the passions and gifts I have are unique. I mean how many people find organizing a classroom enjoyable. Or get an adrenaline rush out of planning a trip, a lesson, or anything really. And the compassion He has placed in my heart is a gift as well. I am willing to get my hands “dirty” if thats what it takes to reach people. I love to love and give. Not that I am unique in that..but I know God has given me all these things for a reason.
Yet..I still struggle. I struggle because I can’t see the plan. I can’t see how these passions fit into a bigger purpose. I can’t figure out what decision to make. I can’t figure out how to let go and let God in. To trust Him once and for all. To trust that He has loved me from the start. Although I am adventurous in a lot of areas, the future is one where I lack the ability to take a risk. I want a clear-cut, no messing around, full-proof plan that is laid out with steps 1-10 and if those don’t work, then plan B will be there to quickly pick up where plan A left off. But I feel like lately, God is asking me to take a risk. To not know all the details, but to trust in Him. That gives me a heart attack. But I know that is what in reality needs to happen.
I just have to figure out how to let that happen.