So I woke up this morning to it being 21 degrees outside and snow flakes starting to fall. Needless to say that was not the best way to start a Friday morning. Sadly, I hate snow. I don’t know why, but unless I can stay in bed, I would rather it be hot and sunny. When I graduate I am moving somewhere warm, although with my luck I will get a job in Michigan:)

but on to a different topic, besides for the weather this is my favorite time of year. I absoultely love the holidays!! They make me so happy!! and I can’t wait to be home with my family. College is alright..but nothing compares to my friends and family back home. Soon I will be home.

These past few weeks have been trying..spiritually, emotionally, physically..I am stressed, overwhelmed, and tired of school. And while I was home I didn’t get to see my other half for long which was sad..I miss her something awful. and school this semester has overall been hard. my classes aren’t easy..as much as I love my new major it is different, and different is hard. The one person in my life who I want to talk to, I refuse to speak to. I won’t even say hi because I am stubborn. and I need to just move on, but I have never been super good at that. Beyond that, I lost what makes me happy..somewhere in all the stuff I am doing, all the classes I am taking, and all the people around me..I forgot what makes me happy. I lost it..and I want it back. The joyful, enthusiastic, loving-life girl I used to be somehow got misplaced. and the glass half empty girl that replaced her is no fun. but I think break will be good for me. I am working..which makes me happy. and I will be home–with my family who have become my best friends. and with angela. and with my church. and with everything that does make me happy!!

back to studying..only 8 days left!!!!!!!!!

I am utterly amazed at how often I can fail and yet everyday be reminded of how amazing God is. I am listening to a song and the chorus goes,

You and I were made to worship. You and I were called to love.
You and I are forgiven and free. You and I embrace surrender.
You and I choose to believe. You and I will see, we were meant to be.


And as I sit here in a computer lab on campus, I realize this is my calling in life. Not to be so busy I have no time to think. Not to get a 4.0. Not to be the best at everything. Not to be everything to everyone. No, I was made to worship. That is all I am supposed to do. In every aspect of my life, I am called to worship. So why do I so often lose sight of that..because I get caught up in this world. In the temporary pleasures of this life.

I have to go meet with a professor and then I get to see my daddy!! That makes me more happy then anything!!!!!!!

I am utterly amazed how many curveballs life throws at you. I know God never intended it to be easy, but I at least thought it would be manageable. And I know it is, but sometimes I feel like everytime I get my bearings, something else comes and knocks the wind right out of my sails. I am supposed to be studying business law..but my mind is so full of thoughts I can’t focus. I am hoping after this I will be able to concentrate on the Constitution. 🙂

So do you ever wonder why people are so thick-headed sometimes. I have realized that I think some people just don’t want to accept that what people are saying is exactly what they think. I am getting tired of my life. I am losing that excitement and joy and passion that I want. I was talking to someone today and they told me just not to care..but that is the last thing I want to do. I want to care..if you stop caring, you lose a reason for living. And you hurt everyone else around you in the process. I want to have passion in my life. I want to have joy and fulfillment. The problem is..I look for it in all the wrong places.

I started reading this book called The Search of Significance. Last night, I was reading it and it hit me..I am trying so hard to find my worth and significance in this world. But I keep looking for it in other people. Which is a sad pursuit. But as soon as I try to search for it in Christ, something comes that knocks me back a few steps. I see that person that I desperately want to mean something to. Or that person who I want to be friends with and yet seem to always fall short. Or do worse then I thought on something school related..etc. And I am once again hit with the obvious fact that I am searching for my significance in the wrong places.

So I am going to care..it is my nature. and I am going to be passionate about life. But I am going to find my passion and significance in the one who made me..not in that person who never really cared to begin with..or in the person who will fail me..but in the one Person who will NEVER leave nor forsake me! How amazing is that!

back to studying..I think I can focus now:)

I came home this weekend for the first time since school started and boy did I need to do that. It had just come to a point where I needed a break from college life. So I came home and realized once again how truly amazing the God is that I serve and how often I fall short of showing that in my own life. I spent the weekend with my family, relaxing and doing some odd and end things..not as much homework as I needed to but oh well.

This morning I got to go to my church which is my favorite part of coming home. I miss my church a lot..the one I go to at college is great, but just not the same as my home church. The sermon this morning was on Jonah and on living by principles, not feelings. WOW! Talk about God giving me a not so gentle nudge. It was exactly what I needed to hear, maybe not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed. I realized how much I have been living based on how I feel, not on what I believe or the principles governing my life. And life has been going somewhat crazy..imagine that. So I got my wake-up call. Going back isn’t going to be easy…in fact, it is going to take every ounce of my will-power to get in the car and drive back to school. It would be so much easier to stay here, but since when did God call us to do that which was easy.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! ALL THINGS–what an amazing verse. I can learn to live by my principles, not my feelings. I can learn to live with people that well, aren’t easy to live with. I can learn to trust in God for my future instead of freaking out every other week. But only when I rely on God and turn to Him can I do all of that. So starting today I am going back to the beginning. Going back to the cross-forget all the stuff I “know” from years at a Christian school..I am going back to what first griped my soul. To the ideas, however simple, that compel me to a deeper love and desire to follow Christ. That’s what I need..I need some fuel to keep my fire burning.

So all things considered, it was an amazing weekend and a good re-focusing time..Now I just have to go back..

Amanda

1.The act of rejecting or the state of being rejected.
2.Something rejected

That might be my sole biggest fear–that one word. REJECTION. Not that anyone particularly likes it, in fact, you might need to get your head checked if you enjoy it, but it is a fear that I have seen more evident in my life the past year then ever before. I am always on the defense-always protecting me..hiding inside my shell and pushing everyone else away. And even the things I have done have often been done in the name of saving myself from rejection. Why I am so scared of it, I can’t tell you. Perhaps it’s the loneliness that tends to come with it that I don’t like, or the fact that another human being has the power to tell you that you aren’t good enough for them. and I have done my fair share of rejecting others..there are many people I am sure could testify..but most of the time, it wasn’t them I was rejecting, I was scared of them rejecting me so I did it first. I hardened my heart so they couldn’t break it. But last night..as I was sitting on my bed in tears over something my dad had said..I realized how much I was letting this fear of rejection rule my life. I was losing sleep over a fear that was founded on a lie. My dad isn’t going to reject me. But more then that, My heavenly Father will never reject me..that is all I need.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut 31:6

There it is..My God will never leave me. Not now, not ever! Even when it seems like everyone else has..or when it seems like I have rejected everyone else..there is always a place for me to go–right back into the arms of my heavenly Father. So, will I be instantly free tomorrow..probably not, but I am definately going to fight this and put myself out there. There is a God who wants me to humble myself before Him

“6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, 7 casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. ” I Pet 5:6-7

He knows the very number of hairs on my head, and knows every step of my path..being rejected will only cause me to draw future upon God’s strength and grace..therefore,

“And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ” 2 cor 12:9

I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, for when I am weak, You are Strong.

I honestly believe there is someone out there that doesn’t need reassurance that you miss them or love them..they just know..they know because you talk to them and because your with them..not because you tell them every 5 minutes..all that does is cheapen the words so they are as normal as saying hi..and they know that just because a few days goes by..you havent forgotten about them or changed the way you feel..you just have been busy or you got sick..or maybe you had other things to deal with..but at the end of the day, regardless of whether you talked to them or not..they know they are yours and you are thinking about them..and haven’t changed one ounce of how you think about them..but then again maybe i am just a hopeless romantic who watched Cinderella too many times..:-\