Conquering Fears
-
Focus, Focus, Focus!
I went running today. But not because I wanted to. Honestly, I don’t know anyone who wants to go running when the humidity is at 90% and the heat index is equally as high. I went because I needed to run.
Yes I just used the word need and run in the same sentence, an idea probably foreign to most of you.
But earlier I had organized and cleaned my classroom for the umpteenth time, wrote out minute-by-minute lesson plans for next week, made all the copies needed for four ESL classes, and wrote guidelines for three classes of computer projects. (I am going to be gone next week so don’t think I normally do all that) Then I left school drained, exhausted, and emotionally spent.
Thus, I ran. Because running is something I love. Normally. And this week seems to be full of things I do not love. Job loss, uncertainity, teaching, being away from family. And all of that has caused me to question my current path..
..giving up a good paying job on a tropical island, leaving one of my best friends behind, moving back in with the parents, joining once again the ranks of the unemployed, and with no clue how to get where I want to go mostly because I am not sure where I want to go.
Running clarifies everything. So I ran. With every step a vision clearer and more focused came into view. The one that above all else flies the banner that says, “Pursue your dreams and live life loud.” I am a very passionate person. Its why I cry at a moments notice, get angry over the smallest things, and get excited very easily. Â I knew before this week that teaching was just not the fulfillment of all my passions that I had hoped it would be. I got slightly distracted by the lure of a well-paying job, but after a run was once again focused on the end goal: pursue that which makes me come alive, love like Jesus loves, and serve those around me. And then I told myself, “Focus, focus, focus!” Stop getting so distracted!
Right now that exact path is a bit unclear. The specfics aren’t there quite yet. In the meantime, I am treading miles for victims of an awful industry. And writing. And connecting with like-minded people. And gaining some awesome experiences. And waiting and praying. That way when the specifics fall into place, I am ready and prepared.
What about you? What do you do before a vision has yet to come to reality? How do you stay focused on the end goal when the immediate can be so enticing?
-
Xterra Saipan 2011
Status: Finished.
I did it.
I swam, biked, and ran my way to the end of my first triathlon. In Saipan. An event called by Triathlete magazine “the crown jewel of Xterra.” This Xterra event also drew the #1 male and female Xterra athletes, a former reigning world champ, and a whole lot of other top athletes. So cool.This is how the morning played out.
Get up at 3:45am.
Talk to parents for one final pep talk and checklist. Eat breakfast. Get dressed and double check transition bag. Head to check in at 5am. Get marked, set up bike, and lay out transition items. Chat with other athletes and try not to freak out.Swim 750meters.
As if I weren’t already nervous, we had a tsunami warning last night and apparently got hit by a very small wave. No damage, but the water was CRAZY. It was so rough, big waves, and the current was so strong at one point I could have sworn I was moving backwards. It was also low tide which meant sometimes you couldn’t swim as the water was too shallow. Needless to say, I may have done more walking than swimming. But I did it. I had a slight breakdown at the beginning (yes, there may have been tears involved), but I got in the water. 16 minutes later I got out and raced to…Bike 20km.
In addition to the rough water, we got a ton of rain in the past 24 hours. This made the bike extremely slick. The trails are slick anyways, add water on there, and they are deadly. This was the most frustrating leg. I had to walk my bike way more than I wanted and by the end, I was cursing that bike and those trails. I was soo ready to be done. Fun was not a word anywhere near my lips at that point. It was beautiful, but it was painful. This should have been a strong leg and under dry conditions would have been much faster, but all in all, I was happy to finish in 2 hours 40 minutes so I could drop my bike and head out to..Run 5km.
Easiest leg as I knew it would be. Running is my strength and first love. The course was not marked real well which was frustrating, but I still managed to average 7.41 minute miles for a finishing time of around 24 minutes. Not bad considering what I had done previous to that.Crossing the finish line was one of the proudest moments of my life. I did it. I did the impossible. I overcame my fear of water, learned how to trail ride, and ran my heart out.
My official time
3 hours 20 minutes
(they started us 1 minute late on the swim). -
Xterra Training Log Week 3
Motivation: The reason one has for acting or behaving in a certain wayWork, tutor, coach, swim, run, sleep, repeat. That has been my schedule for the past three weeks. My weekends have included nothing by running, biking, and swimming. I even ran to the ocean and swam on a 45 minute break I had one day this week. I haven’t slept past 5:00am in a long time.Needless to say, I am anxious to sleep until at least 7 on Saturdays, but the sacrifice has been well worth it. In exactly one week, I will attempt and, hopefully, successfully complete my first triathlon. That is why for the past three weeks, I have done little but work and train. I have given up many hours that could have been spent at the beach or reading or relaxing for many hours of hard biking and determined swimming.And it’s working! My swimming is getting better. Not perfect, but better. And you have to give me some credit-I am attempting to learn in the ocean. I am more comfortable riding the trails and my knees have not been giving me problems on my runs. One week of tapering and staying loose and hopefully all the hard work will pay off.I am slowly gaining a little confidence. Not just in my ability to swim, but in myself. This is just one obstacle that is opening the door to all kinds of others I am ready to tackle. And not tackle them with the old self-doubting girl that moved to Saipan, but with a renewed sense of adventure and determination to follow my heart. All of this from finally putting my face in the water.This is the confidence I am taking into this last week. No worries, I am not all of sudden having dreams of winning, but confidence that I will cross that finish line.7 days.156 hours.1 goal.Cross the Finish Line -
Xterra Training Log Week 2
Saturday marked two weeks until the triathlon. It is coming quickly and I still have a steep hill to climb to be as prepared as I would like to be. I have no doubt at this point that I will finish the race and that is my only goal, however, if I could finish it in a decent time that would be kinda nice too!:)
Overall it was a good week. I was able to swim almost everyday, biked three days, and ran four.I am most concerned about the swim as that is my weakest area. And the tide was low all week so it was a bit frustrating to try to swim. Besides that, I struggled all week getting into a groove and still couldn’t figure it out. Finally, Saturday I met with my swimming instructor at a pool and she was able to pinpoint my problem areas. After many laps of swimming with a block between my legs, I was finally able to get my stroke and breathing down. When I swim I use my legs more than anything which will not be so good in a triathlon when I have to use my legs for the rest of the race. We also figured out if I breathe every four or five strokes I go slower and don’t get out of breath as quickly which means I can swim for longer and farther. It was a good day and I still have two weeks to get my swim in a little better shape.Saturday I biked about 30 km up and down hills all over the island. I am trying to get my legs in better shape for climbing and I think it is working. I finished the bike and was still feeling pretty good. I am getting less and less worried about the bike. I rode some trails and will just have to be careful I don’t get overconfident. Thankfully, I am not one that has any problem getting off and walking my bike if I need to. I would rather walk some and finish in one piece!Running won’t be a problem. I have been doing that since I came to Saipan and by the time I get to the run I figure I will be so excited, I will finish it. Plus its only a 5k which I found out is almost all road so no worries there.As of today, I have 12 days left. Going to try to train hard this week so I can back off next-unfortunately, I have a crazy week at school so we will see how that goes. -
Xterra Training Log Week 1
One week down..19 days to go!
I spent most of this week questioning my decision to enter, but nevertheless pushed forward with training. On Monday, I could swim for 3 minutes straight. Pathetic and so far from where I needed to be or need to be. But I swam and ran everyday but Wednesday. Wednesdays are my bike day because I don’t have much after school so I can get in a decent ride before dark. Thankfully it has been staying light till closer to 7 these days so I have an extra hour or so of time to train. Friday I hit a breakthrough. I swam for 15 minutes straight. I realize this is a small feat for most of you, but considering 6 months ago I wouldn’t have swam for 10 seconds in the ocean, I was very proud of myself. I finished up the week with a decent ride down part of the Xterra trail and a 20 minute swim. I still have a steep hill to climb, but I am going to keep trucking along and hope that beyond some measure I am able to finish on race day.
Mentally, I am nervous and anxious. I am still very cautious about this swim. I am just slow and unsure of myself in the water. I am getting better and over the weekend could definitely tell I am getting more comfortable in the water in general. Today on my bike I was able to walk myself through some of the more technical side of mountain biking and stay on course. It was a huge confidence booster and I am simply trying to cross the finish line. The run will be no problem. I am not worrying in the slightest about that-its a 5k and all road I found out! My dad is sending me a camelback and I am slowly piecing together a set of instructions/items needed for transitions. I wish my dad was here to see me and help me train, but alas this is my personal battle with the ocean and with my self-confidence. I am determined to stop doubting myself so much and this is the final battle.
Overall, week 1 was a success. Here’s to week two..gonna pick up the pace a little this week!
-
Xterra Saipan
After my successful finish in the bike race this morning, I have decided I am going to enter into the Xterra Saipan Sport Triathlon. I have been talking about it and sorta training for it and dreaming about it, I just finally decided I needed to do it. I know if I don’t, I will regret it. So the plan for the next 30 days looks roughly like this:
Eat, work, coach/tutor, swim, run, and bike, eat, sleep. Repeat.Don’t worry, I won’t swim, run, and bike all in the same day. Except for March 12th which is when the actual event takes place. And the course is short, but tough. Its broken down like this:750 m swim. 20k bike. 5k run.Sounds easy right? Except that perhaps this is a better explanation:750 m swim through the salty ocean. 20K bike up and down steep hills and through very technical mountain bike trails. 5k run through the jungle.But I can do it. I know it. And even if I am the last person to cross the finish line, I just want to be able to say I did it. It will be the pinnacle of all the fears I have fought since moving to this tiny island and a perfect way to go out with a bang. Although, hopefully not a literally bang. 🙂 So here is to hard core training and facing fears.BRING IT ON! -
Coach basketball?
Sure! Why not? No one else is ever going to ask me to coach a sport, which is perhaps wise-but while I am here, I might as well take the opportunity! I really like coaching. Its so much fun to work with students in an environment where they have chosen to be there vs. a classroom setting where they are forced to be there.
So the fourth grade teacher and I are helping coach the junior high girls basketball team. I should say, she is coaching, I am helping and together we sorta have some knowledge on the sport. I can’t play it, but I understand somewhat how it should be played. And the girls on our team are very much beginner players so we have lots of room for improvement! Its actually really fun. Yesterday, by the 15th time we had gone over blocking out, they started to get it! We will see what happens in the game today, but I am proud of them for trying. I just have to figure out how to get a little aggression out of them. But we will get better and perhaps we can squeeze in a win somewhere in the season. Regardless, they have a lot of spirit to play and to try and to often, be very humbled by their opponents.
So go SCS Junior high girls! They are winners in my book!
-
My Newest Endeavor
I John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear.”John 10:10b says, “I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly.”Fear and abundant life do not mix. I can tell you this from experience. I have spent a lot of my life living out of fear. So I decided that moving half-way around the world would be a good chance to work on getting over some of my fears. I have come to be intimately acquainted with Christ’s perfect love and through that have done many things this year that I normally would have too afraid to even attempt. And boy have I lived an abundant life! Who knows, you might even find me on a surf board before this year is up. 😉The current task: Swimming. I have had a deathly fear of water for many years. Sure, I might swim in a pool providing I could touch the bottom, but I HATED to get in any type of lake or ocean. I also hated having my head under the water. That fear has caused many a panic attack and fit of tears in my life. However, God must have a sense of humor because He moved me to an island in the middle of the Pacific ocean. And not only that, but He moved to an apartment on the beach on a beautiful tropical island in the middle of the ocean. Thus I figured I should just face this fear head on and figure out how to defeat it. It has been a slow battle, but the final step was asking a lady from church to give me swimming lessons in preparation for a triathlon I would like to do in March. I do know how to swim, I mean, I wouldn’t drown if you threw me in the water, well, at least not from lack of being able to swim. I might from fear:) But I want to be able to swim in a race. I had my first lesson Saturday and it went great! She is the most amazing teacher and so so patient with me. Sunday I went out and swam for as long as I could and got up to a whole 40 seconds without stopping. But determined to win this battle, I got out in the ocean again today and was able to swim for 70 seconds without stopping! I swam for about 13 minutes total. I know, not impressive to most people. But for me, it was huge. You see, 6 months ago, I wouldn’t have put my face in that water if you paid me. Today, I managed to keep it in the water for 70 seconds straight. Slowly I am beating down that fear and replacing it with confidence. Perhaps it is unrealistic to think I will be able to swim 750 meters straight in two months, but I am sure going to try! Tomorrow we are going to try for a minute and a half straight! 🙂 -
Check That Off My List!
Hell of the Marianas-Toughest Bike Race in Micronesia. Done and Done!Andrea and I finished the race in five hours and 20 minutes. 62 miles total, 31 miles each up and down almost every hill on my small island. We made our first cutoff time with 30 minutes to spare. Andrea finished the first leg in a little over an hour and I finished my second leg in under two hours. I was so excited! I had a very tough leg and rode it faster than I had at any point during training. At that point, it was all smooth sailing. Andrea finished the third leg in under two hours and I crossed the finish line at 11:20 or so. It took me only 50 minutes to bike the last 15 miles! I felt so awesome when I crossed that finish line. Chris, Joyce, Anna, Kayla, Ross, Kyla, and of course Andrea and Aaron were there to cheer me on. It was one of the few times I have actually felt like this was home. I think my dad is the most proud of me too-his little girl who refused to ride a bike for ten years finished a very tough bike race. I learned the importance of pushing hard and focusing on the goal. And that I need to stop under-estimating myself. I was so nervous all week that we would miss our cutoff time and we had no problem meeting it with time to spare. Andrea was an amazing teammate and her brother Aaron drove us around all morning which was a huge stress that neither of us had to worry about!Overall, the morning went amazing! No flat tires or crashes or bike malfunctions. I am so glad Andrea and I are a little crazy and decided to do it! It will be a memory I have forever. This morning my legs are tired, but I am going to give them a few days rest while I figure out what to train for next. I think a triathlon is in the works, but I will keep you updated! -
Training for "Hell"
This blog post comes with a qualifier. Up until about 6 weeks ago, I had not ridden a bike in almost ten years.Therefore, my friend Andrea and I decided it was only normal that we decide to participate in a 100k bike race. I am so thankful to find someone equally as crazy as I am. We talked about it one night and it was like, “You want to do it? Yeah sure. Ok!”We are entering as a team so we both only have to bike 50k. For those of you in the US, that is 31 miles each roughly. 31 miles is not that long of a distance on a bike. I rode 26 the other day. I have been running enough that my legs are in decent shape. Only thing we did not account for was that this distance would be entirely up and down hills. I suppose we should have taken a little more thought into entering a race called “Hell of the Marianas”-the toughest race in Micronesia. I rode the last two miles of my second leg last night. About half way through, I really thought my legs were just going to quit. In the race, by that point, I will already have ridden 13 miles. My legs and I have a lot of work to do. Regardless, we are committed to the goal of finishing the race. Period. We just want to cross the finish line. So with 11 days till the race, I am going to see just how quickly the human body can get into shape!Here is to lots and lots of bike riding in the next week and a half and to the goal of finishing the race!
