I think if you go to my archives somewhere I have a post entitled “?confused?”..but alas that is where I am once again. I don’t know what I am doing or what I want to do and most importantly what God wants me to do. Ever since I have graduated I have had this desire to get into youth ministry. I want to be a youth leader or a coach or something that gets me interacting with teens. I mean, I am still a teen myself, but I want them to realize how much of an impact what they are doing has on others and on themselves both now and in the future. And I am confused about college..am I making the right decision? I have seen God open the doors and close the doors, but it’s still hard to trust Him that going 4 hours away is right when I can hardly spend 3 days away from home. And there’s the whole growing up thing–part of me has had to grow up a lot this summer and be responsible which I hate. I feel like I have had to give up part of being a teenager and instantly jumped into being an adult. But I can’t make adult decisions–I can’t get married, I still have four years of college left, I have very little money in the bank….I am still a young person by a long shot…and none of the thoughts coming out of my head make any sense..they change every second and trying to explain them to anyone is futile..(why I am writing this I have no idea..)

so..my solution–I am going to be confused. I am not going to try to understand and explain what I think or think I want. I am going to keep praying and trusting God to help me sort it all out and know that in His timing it will all fall into place. And if I never know the reason behind it, that will be ok too. The future can wait..God’s given me today to make an impact and live for His glory and I intend to attempt to do that.

Life had to be simpler. And easier to work on things like patience. When we didn’t have cell phones and e-mail and you couldn’t get ahold of someone it was ok. You just left a message or waited until they got home. Now if you can’t reach someone you get irritated, impatient, and in my case, mad at them. Is it really their fault that even though they are reachable through cell phone, e-mail, and phone that I can’t reach them? And why is it so important that I talk to them. Does it show my dependence on others? And my lack of dependence on God..YES. I want that human contact-I want to talk to that person who will audibly answer me back. And when they are unreachable I get frustrated, angry, and lonely. Yet, so often I fail to turn to the God who holds me in His hands. The God who knows more about me then anyone in this world, and has every step of my life already planned out. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and I can see a common thread–lack of dependence on God and too much dependence on others. And humans fail..they aren’t always available. Sometimes they are tired, busy, selfish etc. But God isn’t like that. He is always available! And as I laid in my bed last night with tears in my eyes, I could do nothing else but pour out my heart to God for no human was around to see or hear me. And it was at that moment that I found my strength and the peace to calm me. How awesome that we serve a God like that!

I think about you often my fair-weathered friend
I see your face all around me and I wonder
Could I have done something different?
Could I have changed your course of life?

Where did you go?
Why did you change what I loved about you?
Was it too hard to live the upright life?
Was it too difficult to follow the narrow path?

Haunting is the thought
Of where you have been and where you will go
Of the consequences that might arise
And the pain you might carry forever

Will you change your course?
Will you turn around?
Can you give it all up?
Can you come back to the narrow path?

Or are you forever gone
Entrenched in your ways
And dug deep in this life
Forever to be lost and gone

I miss you my friend
I miss your company
I am waiting for your return
Please come back before it’s too late..

It was time for a change…after growing it out since September I decided I wanted to do something different. I get very bored with my hair so I went for something trendy..and I love it! It’s so different from anything I have ever done, but I like it..oh and I dyed my hair black:) But don’t worry..it’ll wash out…

I want to write, but the words aren’t coming today. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head–I stayed up till 3 o’clock in the morning hashing them out..and I still haven’t come to any conclusions. And now I have to go back to work so I will write more later..

That’s where I want to go! I hate this idea of growing up and becoming a responsible adult. I want to stay a highschooler. I want to be able to mess up and blame it on my immaturity. I want to stay out till 2 in the morning and sleep in late. As much as I was looking forward to graduation-this has been a trying summer already. I got two jobs that forced me to grow up fast and become responsible. And honestly, I hate it. I have had to give up so many trips and times with friends cuz I had to work or I had to be in bed early. So I decided today admist a bunch of screaming kids that I wanted to go to never never land. I don’t want to grow up..not yet..I am not ready to be responsible..

But alas, I must grow up. I can’t not be responsible–so I will just write about it on here and then go back to life being a “responsible adult” that I was instantly turned into when I graduated.

Somebody save me..