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Lyrics
I will never harm you. Open your heart, I have loved you from the start.
(Song for You by Jenny and Tyler)
Those words hit me today. I was listening to the song they came from and that line is repeated ten times. I think the songwriters knew I needed to hear that. Lately, I have sorta felt like life is falling apart and I don’t know which way is up. As I try to muddle through big decisions with little information, I am coming to the realization that the core of my struggle is an inability to trust. I don’t trust God or myself. I don’t trust that God has the right or perfect plan and I don’t trust that even if He does, I am adequate enough for that plan. I know that the passions and gifts I have are unique. I mean how many people find organizing a classroom enjoyable. Or get an adrenaline rush out of planning a trip, a lesson, or anything really. And the compassion He has placed in my heart is a gift as well. I am willing to get my hands “dirty” if thats what it takes to reach people. I love to love and give. Not that I am unique in that..but I know God has given me all these things for a reason.
Yet..I still struggle. I struggle because I can’t see the plan. I can’t see how these passions fit into a bigger purpose. I can’t figure out what decision to make. I can’t figure out how to let go and let God in. To trust Him once and for all. To trust that He has loved me from the start. Although I am adventurous in a lot of areas, the future is one where I lack the ability to take a risk. I want a clear-cut, no messing around, full-proof plan that is laid out with steps 1-10 and if those don’t work, then plan B will be there to quickly pick up where plan A left off. But I feel like lately, God is asking me to take a risk. To not know all the details, but to trust in Him. That gives me a heart attack. But I know that is what in reality needs to happen.
I just have to figure out how to let that happen.You May Also Like
Being Brave Everyday
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One Semester Down
Its official! I have finished my first semester of teaching. It seriously seems like just yesterday I was getting off the plane for the very first time, and yet before I know it I will be getting back on that plane. It has been a crazy few months and I never thought this is where I would be right now. I can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that its Christmastime as it is 85 and sunny outside. Nor can I believe that I am almost halfway through my year here in Saipan.
Teaching teaches you a lot. I think it goes for most careers working with students-they teach you as much as or maybe more than you teach them. One of things I really wanted to my teaching to be about was listening. I wanted to hear the students’ ideas and their thoughts. Was I perfect in this? NO! But one day I sat down my students in a circle and we just talked. I learned more in that one class hour from a group of 7th graders than I had in a long time. They “got” it. They knew what it meant to be treated right and what the Bible said about their actions and our actions as teachers. It made me step back and realize that my junior high students are wiser than I often give them credit for and struggling with serious things that often make school the last thing on their mind. On the other hand, they can also be very flaky and made you just want to scream because you have said the same thing 1000 times! All of this causes you, as the teacher, to work hard to figure out the balance between compassion and accountability, discipline and grace. That my friends is a very hard road to walk. However, as I read course evaluations and began my planning for next semester, I got excited about more chances to grown in those areas and new students to challenge my teaching and my life.Being a computer teacher, I will get a whole new batch of students after our break. This both excites me and saddens me. I really liked my students. We had started to bond and mesh and now I have to start from scratch again. However, I get to start from scratch again! The mistakes I made and things that didn’t work get to be re-worked and re-done. And do I have things I want to change! I also plan to re-vamp my ESL classes to make them more productive for both my students and myself and to provide more structure and consistency. It causes me to think that some days I might almost like this teaching thing!Thus, I am now faced with the decision of what to do next year. As I sat in my apartment tonight with nine rather hyper 6th grade girls, I realized that I love them. God has placed them in my life and given me a special spot for those girls. As we laughed and talked about school, life, and boys, I decided that saying good-bye will be hard no matter when I have to do it. I have fallen in love with a small island in the middle of the ocean and with a student body/school that is diverse as the ocean. I have made friends that have become family. I have experienced things that most people never get to. And ultimately I am in the exact place God wanted me to be.As I head into my break, I plan to do a lot of soul-searching. I think Bali will be good for that and you can expect a 2010 recap when I return. I have no answers nor have I made any decision as far as what is next. I am leaving those thoughts for my week alone in Bali. Perhaps being away and disconnected will give me clarity of thought.So with my first semester of teaching down and with all the highs and lows, ups and downs, laughter and tears, and all the memories that will forever be etched in my heart and mind, I can’t complain. Life is pretty good! Thanks for reading my dear blog friends and look for more of my adventures to come!You May Also Like
Being Brave Everyday
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A Birthday Abroad
24.
That’s how old I am. I celebrated my 24th birthday 7000 miles from home on my small island. It made me realize how truly blessed I am.Anna made cupcakes yesterday to bring to school. Something in me just couldn’t handle making my own birthday treats so we made a deal that she would make cupcakes for my birthday and then I would do the same for hers in February. They were wonderful.This morning, I woke up to a present on my door. I had found this ring at the street market that I loved, but didn’t have any cash with me that night so I couldn’t get it. Anna, who is so thoughtful, bought it for me and gave it to me this morning.During our morning meeting, everyone sang “Happy Birthday” and it was a nice reminder that those around me do care.I then spent the morning with all the junior high students at Man’anko. It is a retirement facility and they played their ukes. It was so cool. I was very proud of my students. Then we got to go to McDonalds for lunch! I know it is not very healthy, but I love it! And I drank a coke. My favorite drink ever that I have given up since moving here because it is just cheaper to drink water.The “healthy” eating continued as I went to Pizza Hut for dinner with my good friends Anna and Kayla. The lady I tutor for gave me some money for pizza which totally made my day. She has no idea how much I had been craving pizza! We split a large and I have leftovers:)After dinner, we went to Bible study. One of the ladies had us over to her house to enjoy her REAL Christmas tree and to celebrate. It was an amazing evening. I know I say this a lot, but I don’t know what I would do without my Bible study. They constantly encourage, challenge, and love me. And I even got candles on my cake, a birthday gift and a very nice card! It was wonderful.I got to talk to my parents twice today-at the beginning and the end. It was a wonderful treat and I am so thankful for them! God is oh so good to me!In conclusion, I would say birthday #24 was one of the best I have in awhile, if not ever! And year #24 of life is looking pretty good too. If things go as planned, I will travel to 4 different continents:)So bring on 24-I am so excited for this year of life! -
Repost: http://lothblogs.wordpress.com/
I needed to hear this today so maybe someone else does too. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own life and I forget that I may be making an impact on those around me without even noticing. I have been following Baby Samuel’s story and it has touched my life. Today it reminded me that our impact is eternal and may never be revealed to us. But read on..
…But, amidst this routine, there are literally thousands praying. Hundreds are retweeting and reposting. People from all over the world are praying for Samuel, and this is due only to the Holy Spirit placing it upon believers’ hearts in earnest for a precious little boy. But does Samuel know it? Dare I say does he even care?
I do. Kelly does. Those closest to us do. But Samuel breathes with the help of the machine without noticing all that he is being used to do. People have shared with me over and over again that Samuel is an inspiration to them. Others have uttered prayers from previously prayerless hearts. Some are giving God a chance once again; others have never prayed so hard in their lives.
But does Samuel notice how he is being used by the Almighty God? I think not. But I think it doesn’t matter. I would argue that in our own lives, we may or may not know how much we are being used. I am not sure it matters that we know. What matters most is that God is glorified in our lives; whether by life or by death. Samuel, I believe with all my heart, is not the story. It’s God’s story affecting thousands through a life that isn’t even noticing. Why? So that God alone gets the glory.
I have to challenge myself, and you dear reader therefore, that we too have the same desire in being used by God. Sometimes we have no idea how we are being used by the Lord. Many of us seek the fame, attention, and will of our own lives. We seek comfort, security, rest, peace, financial well being, yet in our seeking, we make it about ourselves. Samuel is a special child; he has no idea how he is being used. Yet truly, we should in all humility seek to decrease in our lives as the Lord increases. Samuel has no choice in the matter; we on the other hand, do.
As many of you have encouraged me during this time, let us spur one another on in good deeds for Jesus Christ. Let me encourage you to make it your aim to decrease in your life so the Lord increases; give Him all the glory. Some of us need to be knocked out. Some of us need to be put on His life support. All of us need the love and forgiveness offered only through Jesus Christ. It is for this reason that we decrease and give God the glory in our lives. This alone is enough to praise Him in all we do.
Be blessed, rest in the arms of the Almighty tonight, and place your life again in the only capable life support available to you; Jesus Christ. Thank you all again for your prayers and I can’t wait to see God continue to move with glory through the life of a precious baby who doesn’t even notice.
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Just a Piece of Paper
Letter of Intent.It sat staring at me in the face this morning when I got to our morning meeting.A simple piece of paper with so much attached to it.All I have to do is check one line. That’s it.And yet, as I walked back to my classroom, my head was spinning and my stomach churning at the thought of having to make that decision.So much rides on those lines.I have some time to consider the choice and I plan on taking every minute of it.I am almost 24 and still have no clue what I want to do with my life. I can usually avoid dealing with it until..A letter of intent shows up. -
Happy Birthday
To me:)My birthday is on Wednesday, but some of my best friends here in Saipan will be gone by then so we had an early celebration today. Andrea, Chris, Joyce, Kayla, Anna, and I went out to dinner and to see The Nutcracker. We went out to eat at this Italian restaurant here on island. As much as I love trying all the new foods, I really wanted Italian for my birthday. The food was wonderful-I had a crab spaghetti and I got a piece of pumpkin pie with a candle in it because we told them we were celebrating my birthday! The Nutcracker was amazing. It was at an outdoor amphitheater which was really cool and the performance was so good. They flew in professional ballerinas from Russia, Japan, and Korea to dance with the students and I really enjoyed it. I love ballet and it was a perfect way to celebrate!My friend Leah and I were talking last week and I was lamenting on how sad I was to spend my birthday so far from home and we prayed that I would have an awesome birthday. I have to admit, so far this has been one of the best birthdays ever and it isn’t even here yet! I had a great week last week. It was full of Christmas programs, band concerts, pedicures, and beach days. I had some really good times with my students and realized how much they are growing on me and how much I am enjoying being a teacher. And the early birthday celebration was just what I needed to lift my spirits and remind me of the wonderful people I have in my life. Plus, on top of this weekend, I get to share my actual birthday with my Bible study group who are truly a family away from home.Overall, life is so so good. I am loving Saipan and getting excited for Christmas and Bali! God is truly blessing me and helping me to fall in love with this island and enjoy every minute of my time here. -
Baby Samuel
I have no idea who this family is. I have never met them and I am not even sure where they live. But I have been following their story on their blog and it has captured my heart. This precious baby is hanging on for dear life and it is going to take a miracle for him to survive. But we serve a God that is still in the business of working miracles so I am praying my heart out for this little guy and I am asking my blog readers to do the same. Visit their blog, read their story, and pray hard for Baby Samuel. May his life be a testimony of the powerful God we serve and what can happen when the Church falls on their knees before Him.http://lothblogs.wordpress.com/category/updates-on-life-on-the-hill/
We ask you to intervene in the life of Samuel. May his breath be your breath. Heal his precious body and improve his kidney function. Be with the doctors and nurses and give them wisdom. Be with his parents and help them to only listen to Your truth. That You love them and You love Samuel. Work a miracle as only you can do.Amen -
Check That Off My List!
Hell of the Marianas-Toughest Bike Race in Micronesia. Done and Done!Andrea and I finished the race in five hours and 20 minutes. 62 miles total, 31 miles each up and down almost every hill on my small island. We made our first cutoff time with 30 minutes to spare. Andrea finished the first leg in a little over an hour and I finished my second leg in under two hours. I was so excited! I had a very tough leg and rode it faster than I had at any point during training. At that point, it was all smooth sailing. Andrea finished the third leg in under two hours and I crossed the finish line at 11:20 or so. It took me only 50 minutes to bike the last 15 miles! I felt so awesome when I crossed that finish line. Chris, Joyce, Anna, Kayla, Ross, Kyla, and of course Andrea and Aaron were there to cheer me on. It was one of the few times I have actually felt like this was home. I think my dad is the most proud of me too-his little girl who refused to ride a bike for ten years finished a very tough bike race. I learned the importance of pushing hard and focusing on the goal. And that I need to stop under-estimating myself. I was so nervous all week that we would miss our cutoff time and we had no problem meeting it with time to spare. Andrea was an amazing teammate and her brother Aaron drove us around all morning which was a huge stress that neither of us had to worry about!Overall, the morning went amazing! No flat tires or crashes or bike malfunctions. I am so glad Andrea and I are a little crazy and decided to do it! It will be a memory I have forever. This morning my legs are tired, but I am going to give them a few days rest while I figure out what to train for next. I think a triathlon is in the works, but I will keep you updated! -
If You Had Unlimited Resources, What Would You Give This Christmas?
If You Had Unlimited Resources,What Would You Give This Christmas?I posed this question to my 6th-8th grade computer classes and thought I would post their answers as well as ask for yours.-Toys for kids that can’t afford them-Money to a person in Saipan whose house just burned down-Houses and food for homeless people-Money for moneyless-Peace for North and South Korea-Money to the poor in Saipan-Snow for N. Africa-Food for Africa-Ice to the North Pole-Water to Africa-World Peace-Joy-I will start green factories-A mansion-To everyone who doesn’t have a house, a big house-A new car for my grandpa-Houses, cars, and money for all the poor people-Food for the poor people-Clothes to the poor-Supplies to the US Army-1 billion to Make A Wish Foundation-Have businesses come to Saipan-Food and Clothes for the homeless-Help strays-Buy all the kids in the hospital everything they have ever wanted-Help Haiti-Buy a car for William-Give a tennis racket to all my friends-Help SCS make any renovation it needs-Help any kid learn music that want to, but can’t afford it-Clean water for all people on earth-Food and water to the poor-I would buy everyone presents-Feed South Africa-Give Yesul (his girlfriend) a pretty necklace-Send water and food to places that are poor*I would provide micro-finance loans to credible groups around the world to help them lift themselves out of poverty and make sure my parents never had to work again.What would you give? -
Edgar
God works in mysterious ways and so often when we are at our lowest He steps in to show us His greatness.This happened today. I left school frustrated and overwhelmed. I was already nervous about my big race Saturday and it has just been an emotional few days. I wanted to get in one final ride before I start tapering off to get my legs rested up for the big day. So I headed out towards the airport, unsure of where my ride would take me, but knowing that I just needed to ride. I am almost to the airport and as I am climbing a hill in the wrong gear and huffing and puffing an older gentleman named Edgar rides up beside me and offers an encouraging “You can do it!” I get to the top and he rides up kinda beside me so I turn and ask him if he is also preparing for the race. (It was a fairly safe bet that he was) We talked a bit about the race and his four-man team vs. my two-woman team. Apparently I am brave for tackling it with a two person team and taking on what everyone says is the toughest leg. He kept riding with me. As we went along, he helped me with shifting and figuring out which gears are best for flats, hill climbs etc. He helped me with my form on the uphills and downhills. And he just rode with me. Up and around and back-I have no idea where he was actually planning on going or where he needed to go. As we were heading back, he goes “You are a very strong rider.” I have to admit that was exactly the boost of confidence I needed today. I don’t feel like I have had enough time to prepare and I have been so scared I am going to fail and miss our cutoff time. But after riding beside Edgar for an hour and listening to the tips and advice and him coming to the final conclusion that I was an ok rider just put me at peace. Beyond that it made me realize that you just never know who will show up at the right time to be exactly what you needed. There is no one I know that could have said anything to calm my nerves. But this stranger who took a few minutes out of his day to help a struggling rider made more of impact than he will ever know. I will finish that race. I am more excited than nervous and feeling better about it than I did yesterday. So bring on the Hell!
