so I don’t ever do these things, but I was bored at work and this one came out surprisingly close to my personality.

December:
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

I just discovered that I can type a post in Word and then upload it to my blog! So excited!

so I have to leave for work in an hour..for ten long hours of work. And honestly, I usually don’t mind working, in fact, most of the time I would rather work then do anything else. But today I just want to crawl in bed and do nothing. I don’t want to think or talk to anyone or do anything other then sleep and hope life is different when I wake up. Granted, sleeping will do nothing to change my life currently, but it might make me feel better. I am frustrated and confused. And I have to move on from the past..but it keeps haunting me with what ifs and why nots. sometimes I wish I just had the guts to let it all out. To put exactly how I feel on the table and see what happens. I am almost sure nothing would change, but I wonder if that would give me the closure I need to move on. Or would it just make me wish I had kept my mouth shut.. I can’t though. If I am ever going to give someone else a chance, I have to get rid of these feelings and heartache. I have to accept the fact that in God’s eyes I am perfect and beautiful and no human can ever change that. No matter what they say. I have to trust in God’s perfect plan for my life, regardless of how unknown and scary it is. And beyond anything I have to stop talking about it and actually DO it. I am have to stop talking about moving on and actually move on. Oh if only it was as easily said as done. That’s it. I am done. I will be back later.

Life is so incredibly crazy it’s unbelieveable! First of all, I was the smart one who decided I could handle 19 credit hours!! Don’t ever do that..I don’t care who you are..it’s hard!! So I spend almost every free moment studying..which is what I am supposed to be doing now:) On top of that this week is recruitment! which I am so excited about!! I can’t wait to get new sisters!! but it’s a huge..HUGE..commitment of time and energy! so every waking moment starting Thursday that I am not in class I will be at recruitment..until Monday night!! Don’t except to see much of me again for awhile:)

On a different note, this year has been a lot tougher so far. I miss my family something awful..It’s hard being so far away. And I made a lot of changes in my spriritual walk this summer and Satan seems to be out to get me any way he can. Thankfully God has been good..and I have been able to make time for Him every day. My pastor this Sunday challenged us to spend the next fourty days listening to the Bible. So I have a cd of Matthew and have been listening to it. It is so amazing how much you can be impacted by listening. I can hear it replaying over and over in my head. I have also been reading a book called, “If you want to walk on water, you have to get out the boat.” or something like that..but it’s very convicting. I sit around all day and think about how much I want to make an impact with my life and change the people around me, but I think I am still sitting in my boat. I need to take that step of faith and keep my eyes on Christ. He is my strong tower and rock in the midst of life. I also found a church I love and a group of people who encourage me and keep me accountable!!

God is also constantly reminding me that He is enough..that I don’t need a boyfriend, or a bunch of friends, or a million things to fill up my time..He is enough. That is a daily lesson I am still learning.

sorry that was so scatterbrained..that’s kinda how my life is right now!! Hope things are going well for my few blog readers..I appreciate your kind words and encouragement!

Amanda

I just felt the need to write in my blog. It has been one of those weeks that can only be explained and made better through a blog post. I am back at school and it is going well. Things are better then expected with roommates and life is slowly getting busier, but still manageable. I have been working all week which has been crazy fun but crazy tiring. The one thing I really want right now is my pillow and my bed..but alas, I am stuck in a computer lab until 6 tonight. I played volleyball last night and hurt my wrist..typing is a challenge..but lucky for me, I have enough frustration to type through the pain.

so there is this boy..right..it’s always about a boy:) but I really like this one…like a lot..and I don’t know. I should hate him. he blew me off for three months, and just when I start to get an inch closer shoves me away again. So why can’t I just move on. that’s what logic says. But I’m a fixer..I love to fix things. I don’t like to leave things un-done or leave people without making their lives better..which I am coming to see isn’t usually even a reality..but I try nonetheless. However, it is impossible when they won’t let you help them or be part of their life. so that is where I am right now..wanting so bad to be part of his life and realizing that I should probably just move on….

but it’s hard…and I’m tired..and in pain…and missing my family something terribly awful..

ok..so I decided I should update the few readers I have left..

Life has gotten somewhat better since the last time I wrote. God is amazing that is one thing I will say for sure! He always shows up right when I am at my lowest..which has happened a lot this summer. Trying to change your life doesn’t come without trouble from the devil. Of course, he had me right where he wanted me..and I decided that was far from where God wanted me.

God has been faithful in providing the finances I needed for college which is a huge answer to prayers and my plans for next summer which I was majorly stressed out about are falling into place and giving me a bigger reason to trust God for provided everything I need.

I am also getting so excited to go back to school…I was in Florida last week and I got to see two of my friends and got so excited..I realized that God has blessed me with some amazing friends, I just have to take the extra time to build the relationships.

one thing I have noticed is that I get stressed and overwhelmed very quickly..I do’nt know why, but it seems like I very quickly jump to the, “runinng around like a chicken with it’s head cut off” stage so that is the biggest thing I am going to work on for the fall..just breathing and making time for the things that are imporant.

that’s all for now..

amanda

I’m frustrated! and the best thing I could come up with was to revisit my poor blog I abandoned so long ago.

so I’m frustrated with my life. I have no idea where it is going and I can’t seem to enjoy the ride. I seem to be always looking for the next stage and not having any idea what it is, I just get more frustrated. I am saddened over some of the decisions I made last year and while I am trying to bask in Christ’s forgiveness..it’s hard to let go of it and accept that I can move on. I am tired of people not being honest for fear of, well, I don’t know. I’m just tired of it. I feel like I am always stepping on people’s toes and hurting people’s feelings..but they never tell me what they really think so how am I supposed to know. I can’t be careful with your heart if I don’t know that it is a part of the equation. I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up..wait, yes I do..but it doesn’t seem practical or like something people actually do..it’s more like one of those jobs everyone thinks would be fun, but know deep down that they can’t actually do it. I switched majors and ended up lost. and without friends. which is dumb. I do have friends..lots of them. but they at home..not at school. my school friends..well, who knows what happened to them. I think they decided to move on and find cooler people with more exciting lives and more willingness to be daring. and I hurt one of my friends..but haven’t gotten up the courage to call her and apologize. (i need to do that). I’m scared that when I go back to school all these changes I want to make are going to go right out the window. I enjoy nothing more then the two boys I work with every afternoon..they know how to bring a smile to my face more then anything else. and I am leaving them soon.. all I do is work and shower and sleep..and quite frankly i am ok with that. I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone..I stopped using my cell phone, I stopped getting on instant messenger. I am generally sick of people. and I finally realized I have an intense longing for a companion–a friend, a boyfriend, someone I can confide in and cry to. and i know in my head that I have God..but finding that passion in my heart is hard. really hard. esp. when I am lonely. so now that I have officially depressed myself even more I am going to go cry in my shower and listen to some country music and determine my life is nothing like that..

amanda

so everyone has probably stopped reading this by now..heck, I would have long ago. but I know it’s been so long since I have written. It’s funny how you go through stages in your life..I used to keep a journal every day and the I switched to writing in my blog and then I found a friend with whom I shared everything..and now I am back to blogging. At least for today. I missed it..this old blog and me have had many memories together.

so I finished my first year of college..can you believe it?! I did it! I am no longer a college freshman. it’s crazy to think about that I am going to be a sophomore in college..I am going to turn 20 in December..20!! that is insane. I remember yesterday being in 7th grade and thinking it was going to be an eternity till I got my liscense. it was a good first year of college. Not a great one..but not awful for the most part. it was HARD> really hard. something I was definately not prepared for. But God is faithful. He showed me how His strength is the only thing that will get me through life. He proved to me time and time again that He is protecting me even when I am being stupid. And He showed me how the people in my life are there so I can minister to and learn from..not judge or turn away. I have so many memories from this year..and I have to say God blessed me with the most amazing roommates in the world!! They have become some of my closest friends and I am thinking might end up as bridesmaids someday..:) although that opens a whole different can of worms..one I will leave for a different time..for now, just know I am no where close to wanting to get married nor are there any guys on the horizon. I know the right guy is out there somewhere..one crazy enough for me..and God will bring him into my life at exactly the right time.

what else..I joined a sorority this year..that was a blast! I love my new sisters with everything in me..they are my mission field. God gave me a field white for the harvest and is giving me the strength and wisdom to know how to harvest it and how to share His love with them. It has been amazing.

I still have no idea what to do with my life..I was so sure before I came to college..now I am utterly lost. I know I want to go to Africa and I want to adopt a baby girl from China and I want to help people who can’t help themselves..but how to accomplish all that is still out of my reach. I am praying for God to open doors and lead me in the right direction as far as majors, summer plans, future plans etc. I know He has a plan for my life and I can’t wait to see what it is.

well, I have turned into an old lady this summer and am about to head to bed..yes, it is 9:43 and I am getting ready to head to bed. I know, it’s sad..but what can I say..all my nights of staying up till 3 and 4 in the morning are catching up to me!:)

thanks for listening to my ramblings..I will try and update this more often! if anyone still reads this..I love ya!

So this is pretty much my favorite show in the world! but I just wanted to say that Jeff was wearing a bright purple shirt which was something that I don’t know has ever happened! 🙂 Just a random fact..

So I haven’t written in forever! I miss writing..it was a nice escape..but I have been so busy. I added three jobs to my already full work load this semester! but God has been faithful and given me the strength I need. A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote. This whole college thing is a whole different world from anything I experienced in high school. and I am almost done with my first year of college. and I have a bunch of thought..but I am tired and writing a chem paper so I will write them later..just wanted to let any of my readers if they still read this know that I am not dead. I will be back soon!