I’m frustrated! and the best thing I could come up with was to revisit my poor blog I abandoned so long ago.

so I’m frustrated with my life. I have no idea where it is going and I can’t seem to enjoy the ride. I seem to be always looking for the next stage and not having any idea what it is, I just get more frustrated. I am saddened over some of the decisions I made last year and while I am trying to bask in Christ’s forgiveness..it’s hard to let go of it and accept that I can move on. I am tired of people not being honest for fear of, well, I don’t know. I’m just tired of it. I feel like I am always stepping on people’s toes and hurting people’s feelings..but they never tell me what they really think so how am I supposed to know. I can’t be careful with your heart if I don’t know that it is a part of the equation. I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up..wait, yes I do..but it doesn’t seem practical or like something people actually do..it’s more like one of those jobs everyone thinks would be fun, but know deep down that they can’t actually do it. I switched majors and ended up lost. and without friends. which is dumb. I do have friends..lots of them. but they at home..not at school. my school friends..well, who knows what happened to them. I think they decided to move on and find cooler people with more exciting lives and more willingness to be daring. and I hurt one of my friends..but haven’t gotten up the courage to call her and apologize. (i need to do that). I’m scared that when I go back to school all these changes I want to make are going to go right out the window. I enjoy nothing more then the two boys I work with every afternoon..they know how to bring a smile to my face more then anything else. and I am leaving them soon.. all I do is work and shower and sleep..and quite frankly i am ok with that. I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone..I stopped using my cell phone, I stopped getting on instant messenger. I am generally sick of people. and I finally realized I have an intense longing for a companion–a friend, a boyfriend, someone I can confide in and cry to. and i know in my head that I have God..but finding that passion in my heart is hard. really hard. esp. when I am lonely. so now that I have officially depressed myself even more I am going to go cry in my shower and listen to some country music and determine my life is nothing like that..

amanda

so everyone has probably stopped reading this by now..heck, I would have long ago. but I know it’s been so long since I have written. It’s funny how you go through stages in your life..I used to keep a journal every day and the I switched to writing in my blog and then I found a friend with whom I shared everything..and now I am back to blogging. At least for today. I missed it..this old blog and me have had many memories together.

so I finished my first year of college..can you believe it?! I did it! I am no longer a college freshman. it’s crazy to think about that I am going to be a sophomore in college..I am going to turn 20 in December..20!! that is insane. I remember yesterday being in 7th grade and thinking it was going to be an eternity till I got my liscense. it was a good first year of college. Not a great one..but not awful for the most part. it was HARD> really hard. something I was definately not prepared for. But God is faithful. He showed me how His strength is the only thing that will get me through life. He proved to me time and time again that He is protecting me even when I am being stupid. And He showed me how the people in my life are there so I can minister to and learn from..not judge or turn away. I have so many memories from this year..and I have to say God blessed me with the most amazing roommates in the world!! They have become some of my closest friends and I am thinking might end up as bridesmaids someday..:) although that opens a whole different can of worms..one I will leave for a different time..for now, just know I am no where close to wanting to get married nor are there any guys on the horizon. I know the right guy is out there somewhere..one crazy enough for me..and God will bring him into my life at exactly the right time.

what else..I joined a sorority this year..that was a blast! I love my new sisters with everything in me..they are my mission field. God gave me a field white for the harvest and is giving me the strength and wisdom to know how to harvest it and how to share His love with them. It has been amazing.

I still have no idea what to do with my life..I was so sure before I came to college..now I am utterly lost. I know I want to go to Africa and I want to adopt a baby girl from China and I want to help people who can’t help themselves..but how to accomplish all that is still out of my reach. I am praying for God to open doors and lead me in the right direction as far as majors, summer plans, future plans etc. I know He has a plan for my life and I can’t wait to see what it is.

well, I have turned into an old lady this summer and am about to head to bed..yes, it is 9:43 and I am getting ready to head to bed. I know, it’s sad..but what can I say..all my nights of staying up till 3 and 4 in the morning are catching up to me!:)

thanks for listening to my ramblings..I will try and update this more often! if anyone still reads this..I love ya!

So this is pretty much my favorite show in the world! but I just wanted to say that Jeff was wearing a bright purple shirt which was something that I don’t know has ever happened! 🙂 Just a random fact..

So I haven’t written in forever! I miss writing..it was a nice escape..but I have been so busy. I added three jobs to my already full work load this semester! but God has been faithful and given me the strength I need. A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote. This whole college thing is a whole different world from anything I experienced in high school. and I am almost done with my first year of college. and I have a bunch of thought..but I am tired and writing a chem paper so I will write them later..just wanted to let any of my readers if they still read this know that I am not dead. I will be back soon!

and her name is Beth! Funny how sometimes you find friends when you were least expecting it and from places you were least expecting them to come. But after a three hour chat over coffee I realized God had this planned from the start. He knew I needed someone with whom I could share a common background and a common lifestyle. He also knew I needed someone who was a bit further ahead to give me hope that I can do this. I have to say watching and listening to her talk motivated a lot! And on the same note, gave a safe place I could say, “Yeah, this is hard.” So Beth if you ever read this–I am so THANKFUL for you. God sent you along right when I needed someone to which I could relate and could relate to me. Thank you for being open and your kind words! I will be praying for you throughout this semester!! Good luck with all you will be doing and thanks again for the chat over coffee!! It was great!

So I have been contemplating blog posts for several days now. I have sat down a few different times and attempted to write something, but the words don’t come and I usually end up erasing whatever I wrote and moving on to checking my e-mail and then find something else to do. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am not sure which ones will come out in an understandable fashion. I decided over break I am very impatient. I am always looking on to the next point in life instead of enjoying the one I am in. Which is a very dangerous thing to do. So one of my goals for this next semester is to enjoy being a college student..to make friends, to not always be so uptight, to be happy where I am and not always wishing I was older or in a different place. I am going to fall back in love with my Savior and make Him top priority in my life. I spent so much time last semester up tight, missing home, and wishing I was done with college I missed out on a lot. But I am going to work on strengthening my relationships with my roommates and friends, my God, and my sorority sisters. I am going to be content being where I am because I know it is exactly where God wants me. And I am going to laugh more! 🙂

Now I have to finish cleaning my room before my mom kills me..I will write more later!!

Amanda

I am going back to work…I don’t want to..I have no desire to put on my hat and apron and stand behind a counter for four hours smiling and taking people’s orders. I don’t know why I was so excited about going back..but I am dragging my feet utterly disgusted that I have to go. I don’t know why I hate to work so much. But I think it is more the people there..granted, I love my bosses..but I stand around for hours and hour not talking to anyone but the customers that come and go every few minutes..there is no communication between my co-workers and I. And for me..that is really really hard. I can’t hardly go two minutes without talking..even if it is to myself:) And now I am forced to go for hours. Needless to say, it is a definate struggle to make myself get in the car and drive to work.

But I will do..I will buckle down and go and attempt to make the best of it. Who knows maybe one of my few friends at work will be there. or maybe I will make a new friend. or maybe I will just some time to ponder the meaning of life:) hee hee. I have had plently of time to do that lately. And you know, I have come to one conclusion–I am a long way from where I would like to be and getting there is not going to be the easiest road. But I know that everyday I am falling more and more in love with my Savior and less and less in love with this world. As I have re-opened my Bible and re-connected with my high school friends, I have realized that there is something to be said for My Savior. He is quickly regaining His place as Lord and love of my life. Is it easy? no…but is it best..YOU BET!! so I am off to work and off to a new adventure! Life only comes around once and who knows how long I have to make an impact for Christ!

More later..

Amanda

I miss writing on this..for so long I was so scared of who read this that I stopped writing my thoughts down..but I am going back..I know I’m a dork:)

I think music sometimes is the best way to express life and I am not ready to spill all my thoughts just yet..but I love this song…take a moment to ponder it..:) I will write more later..when I feel like bearing the pages of my life.

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I had a crazy busy week..I hardly had time to talk to my parents, much less anyone else. I spent 14 hours studying and worked and did sorority stuff and managed to sleep a little in there too. Needless to say, it was a stressful week that sadly, isn’t going to get any less stressful until Thanksgiving break. But one of my best friends from back home called last night and told me that her and our friend Angela are coming to see me! Now you must understand..these two girls are my lifeline..(well, maybe it isn’t quite that bad..but it’s close) I love them with everything in me and they know more about me then anyone in the world. And I have missed them so much..they are both back home and being down here without them has proved to be quite the challenge. But they are coming!!! Which I must say made my week:) They are the greatest!! So watch out USI…it’s a little scary when we all get together:) hee hee…

Ang and Sarah—I LOVE YOU BOTH! CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!

Amanda

It is amazing outside! I just want you all to know! I am sitting outside typing on my computer and could def. get used to this! So this was a crazy busy week..but I got through my lab practical..it actually wasn’t that bad! And I get to sleep in tomorrow and I get a home-cooked meal tomorrow night which I am so excited about!! Let’s see…I can’t think of much else..I will write more later when I feel inspired:) hee hee..