He Shall Be Your Peace

10 days past my due date, I sat in a local coffee shop working on my Advent study. I had given up on work because I had just about given up on being pregnant. Plus I was pretty sure if I heard “your still here?!” one more time, I might punch someone. The central verse of the day came from Micah 5:5 which begins “And He shall be your peace.”  For some reason, the verse stood out to me. I had been praying over a word for 2018 and in that moment, I felt like I had found my word.

Little did I know just a few hours from then, I would need to cling to those words stronger than I ever had before. Giving up on work proved to be a good idea because later that day, my water broke and a VERY short time later, our second son was born. My labor and delivery was quick and exhausting. As soon as he was born, a team of nurses and doctors crowded around him. I kept asking is he ok? why isn’t he crying? can I see him? I was in sheer panic. The fear I felt in those few minutes is still palpable. They whisked him away to the NICU and I was left exhausted, alone, and with very few answers to the myriad of questions in my mind. I hadn’t gotten to see him or hold him or hear him. The baby I had carried for 9 long months (plus an extra 10 days) was in a moment no longer in my care.

Several hours later, circa 2am, a doctor came in with a long list of possible scary conditions our sweet baby boy might have and all I wanted to do was see him. My mama instincts wanted to punch this doctor and I am fairly certain if it were not for my husband, I very well may have. When I finally did get to see my precious baby, he was connected to all sorts of tubes and machines. I couldn’t hold him, I couldn’t feed him, I felt utterly helpless. And then I remembered those words- “He shall be your peace.” I grabbed those words and clung onto them. They were my lifeline. As I prayed and cried and prayed some more, I knew my peace had to come from Jesus. It wouldn’t come from the doctors or the nurses or my own abilities to protect him.

We were sent home eight days later with a precious baby boy who for the time being has zero complications. No one can predict what may happen in the future, but each time fear and worry starts to creep in, I return to the word I felt called to for this year-Peace.

In the midst of the unknown-peace.

In the middle of changes-peace.

In the face of adversity-peace.

 When I sit and rock my sweet baby boy, I often think back to those few moments when I was overcome by fear and exhaustion, so scared something was terribly wrong. I would love to say in those moments I felt an overwhelming peace, but I am learning peace is something you often have to ask for rather than simply expecting it to show up.  When we finally had a minute alone after all the doctors and nurses left that night, we sat and prayed for our precious baby and peace came rushing over me. While those 8 days were some of the hardest in my life, they were full of peace and community and love and prayer. They were a defining chapter in our marriage and our lives. And they continue to serve as a reminder of how much we need peace far above our understanding in our lives.