They say kids grow up fast, but how truly fast they grow up is not something you understand until you have them. And then all of a sudden you sit here on the verge of your first kid’s first birthday and wonder where the time went. Weren’t you just born yesterday? I still picture that moment with the most vivid of memories. H’s birth was tough. He came into this world as stubborn as his mama and I love every ounce of his personality and little life.
Perhaps because H is our first or because I always wanted an August birthday, I have a big party planned. I have no idea who will actually show up, but honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. Planning it has been the most fun! It has given me time to reflect and be excited and dream and pray for my sweet and stubborn little man.
Let’s be honest, this whole mom thing is TOUGH. Nothing about it is easy and most days I feel like I am literally wearing my heart on my sleeve and then ripping it out to physically leave it at daycare. This is exacerbated by the fact the last week of drop-offs have been full of huge tears, outstretched arms, and lots of “mamama.” Today perhaps was the hardest because instead of tears, I got the cold shoulder. Oh kid, you already know how to crush your mama. Thankfully, I am confident he is in the best hands and in just a few short hours, his face will light up when I walk back through the door to pick him up.
As I have watched H develop a personality, I see in him so much of me. He is stubborn as can be and adventurous with zero fear. I have a feeling, despite my best efforts, we may become well acquainted with the ER as he grows. He is also so much of his father. He is so observant and a quick learner. He loves to eat and loves to love. He is the most cuddly, sweet little boy. I pray everyday for him to grow into a lover of Jesus. I pray for him to have a heart for the least and to be a champion for the downtrodden. And I pray he never loses his adventurous spirit.
Being a mom has changed so much of who I am as well. I realize how much I value the simple things in life and how much I love being home with our little family. I have realized how tough and lonely being a mom can be and how much we need community. I also think prayer is the only parenting tool you need. Sure, other skills are good to have, but at the end of the day, I have to lay my anxiety and fear and worry at the feet of Jesus and trust He loves H more than I ever could. Over the past year, I have learned to say no to things and to limit my time away from home. I have learned just how truly strong I am and how willing I am to do whatever is necessary for my family. And I have learned to trust and seek Jesus in every aspect of my life.
So my sweet H, as you turn 1, my biggest prayer for you is you come to know Jesus and you know you are always safe in His arms. Even if mine fail, His never will.
