After the wedding, for the first time in two and a half years, I have no deadlines, no papers to turn in, no plans to make, no vendors to book, or photographers to follow-up with. It is, in some regards, a glorious feeling. And yet, as someone who thrives on deadlines and plans, I feel a bit restless.
Luckily, in my Bible study, we are reading a book called Restless by Jennie Allen. (Enter God’s perfect timing) The book is about having the freedom to dream and then use our unique gifts and talents (or stories) pursue those dreams. However, before dreaming big dreams, the author lays out some reasons why we often choose to sit on the sidelines instead. Reasons such as fear or pride or being afraid of being prideful. We sit on our gifts and claim humbleness while killing the things God put us on the planet to do. Gifts He gave us to fulfill His mission, bring Him glory, and draw people to His kingdom. But sitting on the sidelines is not the answer to pride or selfishness. We have to fight daily against our personal ambitions to be great for greatness’ sake and seek to use our gifts to be great for the glory of God. This has been majorly convicting. For much of my life, I have been a sideline dweller. I struggle with fear and insecurity and pride and wonder why God would ever use me. I sit on the gifts God has given me because I am afraid to step out and use them. And the whole time, I am restless. I am anxious. I am frustrated. (you would think I would have put the two together at some point)
When we started the book, I had no idea how God would unfold my life. I was in the process of major life change- a marriage, a new degree, and a new schedule with time I haven’t had in years. Almost immediately, a vision started to come together. A vision other people have caught. And all of a sudden, the part of me who loved the sideline has been propelled into the middle of a group of people willing to share in a vision I am believe so very strongly.
I will be the first to admit, I am scared to death. I would so much rather quit now and go back to the sidelines. It is safe there and there is little chance for injury. But a growing restlessness in my soul is propelling me forward. Every time I am tempted to re-shelve the dream, I go back to my journal and ask God for strength to keep going. And I do something. Yesterday I wrote out vision and mission statements. Rough drafts with need for refinement and clearer focus, but it was a step. And with each step forward, my faith grows stronger. I wish I could say the fear is dwindling, but right now, I think the fear is God’s way of reminding me I cannot do this without Him.
