Crash. Burn. Flounder. Flail.
That most accurately describes my transition back to life here in America. I don’t say home because well, I am not sure where home is anymore. More appropriately, I am realizing that home is not a place, but an idea and a sense of belonging to wherever you are. And of course, this world is only my temporary home thus it will never truly feel like home. But back to the transition.
I have learned a lot about myself over the past six weeks or so. Starting with, no matter how hard I try, I just do not transition well. I was determined after the fiasco of returning from Africa that this time would be different. This time I would come back perfect and normal and smoothly transition back to life. Ha Ha Ha. The only success I can say is that it has only taken me six weeks to get to this place whereas last time it took me six months. The only other previous major transition in my life was a cross-country move and that took me a year to get over so I am making progress. I am growing as a person and each transition has helped to shape me into the person I am today.
Unfortuately, the biggest hurdle to transition, I believe, is finding someone, anyone who is willing to let you flounder a little and realize that it is part of the process, and not a direct reflection of your feelings towards them. That my irriating habits are simply an outward expression a deeper inner struggle. That my clinging to random and odd things, my inability to explain myself, and my quiet silence is simply part of the process. It is part of the transition. Not the fun part, not the easy part, but the part that is often biggest. My family was gracious for the most part and I do not fault them for their inability to understand. In fact I am so very thankful for them and can say that they are one of the few reasons it has only taken me six weeks to finally feel like my feet are back underneath me. They have been there and have forgiven me and loved me despite it all. They are my family. Outside of my family I am very thankful for my few close girlfriends that listened to me, cried with me, laughed with me, and let me vent when I just needed an ear. Throughout the past six weeks, I have learned a lot about who I am as a person, what is important to me, and the value of forgiveness, love, and grace in relationships.
Life changes when you leave. People move forward and make new friends and establish new traditions and memories. And you do the same. I made new friends, experienced new things, made new memories, and spent a lot of time at the beach. Then all of a sudden you come back. And you aren’t the same and no one else is the same and relationships change. I believe it is then that you discover the true meaning of friendship. That you discover the people in your life that are permanement fixtures and the ones who were temporary. You find that some relationships you thought you could count on are the ones that leave you the most broken in your vulnerability and the ones that perhaps faded while you were apart are now back, stronger then ever. That you pick up the phone and it seems like you talked yesterday. Or that you pick up the phone and realize that you no longer have anything to talk about. That life has taken you different directions. In those moments, transition can be the most brutal and can also be the most beautiful. I got both ends of the spectrum. Less then a week after arriving, I lost the one relationship I thought I could count on. The one person that had been there throughout the last few months and who I felt I desperately needed in this time of transition. They, on the other hand, decided that indeed this was the time to break ties and leave me to my own. I was heartbroken, depressed, and felt more alone than I should have. For in the losing of one, I gained far more. I reconnected with several friends that I love more dearly then words can express. I was able to spend more time with my family and I learned that sometimes it is only through brokenness that we are truly made whole. It is often only in our darkest hour that we cry out Abba and we learn the love and tenderness only He can offer. I also learned that only in forgiveness can we ever move forward. I spent a lot of time assessing the relationships in my life and realized that the ones I truly valued were still right there and that I simply needed to forgive them and love them. That while my transition was difficult on myself, it was not easy on those around me either. So I placed all the pieces of a broken heart in the arms of the One who sees me as no one else does and let Him heal me. I forgave those around me who I felt had hurt me and decided to love and trust that God had a plan in all this. And I can say that today, the plan is starting to take shape. It scares me. Its new and unknown and nothing that I ever thought would happen, but it has all fallen into place so perfectly, I have to trust that it is right. And ironically, I knew that is how it would happen. I would settle in only to be unsettled again. God is teaching me the value of learning to accept and process change rather then fight, run, and argue with its necessity to life.
I will write more later on the specfics of the changes I have gone through, but for now I am thankful for the process. At times it was brutal, at times it was beautiful. And its not over. It is still a daily process. But each day gets easier and each day I am increasingly overwhelmed at the love and joy that surrounds me.
