I will never harm you. Open your heart, I have loved you from the start.
(Song for You by Jenny and Tyler)
Those words hit me today. I was listening to the song they came from and that line is repeated ten times. I think the songwriters knew I needed to hear that. Lately, I have sorta felt like life is falling apart and I don’t know which way is up. As I try to muddle through big decisions with little information, I am coming to the realization that the core of my struggle is an inability to trust. I don’t trust God or myself. I don’t trust that God has the right or perfect plan and I don’t trust that even if He does, I am adequate enough for that plan. I know that the passions and gifts I have are unique. I mean how many people find organizing a classroom enjoyable. Or get an adrenaline rush out of planning a trip, a lesson, or anything really. And the compassion He has placed in my heart is a gift as well. I am willing to get my hands “dirty” if thats what it takes to reach people. I love to love and give. Not that I am unique in that..but I know God has given me all these things for a reason.
Those words hit me today. I was listening to the song they came from and that line is repeated ten times. I think the songwriters knew I needed to hear that. Lately, I have sorta felt like life is falling apart and I don’t know which way is up. As I try to muddle through big decisions with little information, I am coming to the realization that the core of my struggle is an inability to trust. I don’t trust God or myself. I don’t trust that God has the right or perfect plan and I don’t trust that even if He does, I am adequate enough for that plan. I know that the passions and gifts I have are unique. I mean how many people find organizing a classroom enjoyable. Or get an adrenaline rush out of planning a trip, a lesson, or anything really. And the compassion He has placed in my heart is a gift as well. I am willing to get my hands “dirty” if thats what it takes to reach people. I love to love and give. Not that I am unique in that..but I know God has given me all these things for a reason.
Yet..I still struggle. I struggle because I can’t see the plan. I can’t see how these passions fit into a bigger purpose. I can’t figure out what decision to make. I can’t figure out how to let go and let God in. To trust Him once and for all. To trust that He has loved me from the start. Although I am adventurous in a lot of areas, the future is one where I lack the ability to take a risk. I want a clear-cut, no messing around, full-proof plan that is laid out with steps 1-10 and if those don’t work, then plan B will be there to quickly pick up where plan A left off. But I feel like lately, God is asking me to take a risk. To not know all the details, but to trust in Him. That gives me a heart attack. But I know that is what in reality needs to happen.
I just have to figure out how to let that happen.
2 Comments
Kris
It IS hard. I am a planner too. Making my plan, then telling God what is going to happen and asking him to bless it was my normal. Then, I met Brian. Him, marriage and being a stay-at-home mom were NO WHERE in my plans. That's turned out pretty well, though. Being a homeschool mom was not in my plans. Turns out that was God's way of getting Emily and I through our years of foster care and keeping the lines of communication open for us. Speaking of foster care, that was NOT in my plans, but I trusted God and now I have 4 beautiful children to sooth my broken heart from all of those that left. His plan has turned out soooo much better than any of my best case scenarios. He knows what he's doing.
Amanda
Thanks Kris. And thanks for reading my blog!