I’m frustrated! and the best thing I could come up with was to revisit my poor blog I abandoned so long ago.

so I’m frustrated with my life. I have no idea where it is going and I can’t seem to enjoy the ride. I seem to be always looking for the next stage and not having any idea what it is, I just get more frustrated. I am saddened over some of the decisions I made last year and while I am trying to bask in Christ’s forgiveness..it’s hard to let go of it and accept that I can move on. I am tired of people not being honest for fear of, well, I don’t know. I’m just tired of it. I feel like I am always stepping on people’s toes and hurting people’s feelings..but they never tell me what they really think so how am I supposed to know. I can’t be careful with your heart if I don’t know that it is a part of the equation. I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up..wait, yes I do..but it doesn’t seem practical or like something people actually do..it’s more like one of those jobs everyone thinks would be fun, but know deep down that they can’t actually do it. I switched majors and ended up lost. and without friends. which is dumb. I do have friends..lots of them. but they at home..not at school. my school friends..well, who knows what happened to them. I think they decided to move on and find cooler people with more exciting lives and more willingness to be daring. and I hurt one of my friends..but haven’t gotten up the courage to call her and apologize. (i need to do that). I’m scared that when I go back to school all these changes I want to make are going to go right out the window. I enjoy nothing more then the two boys I work with every afternoon..they know how to bring a smile to my face more then anything else. and I am leaving them soon.. all I do is work and shower and sleep..and quite frankly i am ok with that. I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone..I stopped using my cell phone, I stopped getting on instant messenger. I am generally sick of people. and I finally realized I have an intense longing for a companion–a friend, a boyfriend, someone I can confide in and cry to. and i know in my head that I have God..but finding that passion in my heart is hard. really hard. esp. when I am lonely. so now that I have officially depressed myself even more I am going to go cry in my shower and listen to some country music and determine my life is nothing like that..

amanda