The other night we were sitting on the couch and it happened… there was an undeniable kick. In fact, I could actually see my stomach move. I thought I had felt the baby move in the few days prior, but this time there was no other way to explain it. The baby was kicking me. I may or may not have cried.
Four months ago, if you had told me feeling the tiny kick of the little baby inside of me would move me tears, I would have laughed in your face. I am not typically super sentimental and I had no intentions of becoming a mom right away. But now, every time this little thing kicks me (which is a lot), I get this overwhelming sense of excitement and fear. Excitement over the idea of having my own child and fear of raising it in this often scary world. Honestly, I am pretty nervous about becoming a mom. I have researched a lot, but I know full well, all the research in the world won’t prepare me for those first few months. And I am learning, slowly, how quickly and how easy it is to get wrapped up in a world of comparison and discouragement. Some days, I feel like I am so very alone in all of this, trying my hardest to figure out and navigate my way into motherhood and making the best decisions for me, our child, and our family. I am ever thankful for a husband who so lovingly reminds me I am not alone and for a Savior who never leaves my side.
As I have been praying and studying lately, I have come back over and over to one of my favorite passages of scripture. Psalm 139, specifically verses 13- 18.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
As I sit here and ponder once more the promises of those verses, I am reminded how very much not alone I am. In all the planning and praying and preparing, Someone has already woven together the sweet child inside of me and ordained each of its days. A plan has been set into motion and the God of universe promises to be there each step of the way. Just as He is with me each step of the way. Every time I feel a kick or question this moment, I am reminded each of my days were planned out long before I arrived. It is the most precious, comforting thought. No matter what lies ahead, I can rest in the fact God knows and He is in control and He is laying out the plans. I simply have to be obedient and place my cares and worries into His hands.